# pen blanks for funny stories



## bond3737 (Nov 13, 2009)

I've been in kind of a funky place recently and figured a good way to combat it would be with a little old fashion levity. So here is the deal- post a funny story about yourself, someone you know, or a story you have heard. Posting a story get's you into the running and then a name will be chosen at random at the end. The prize is 20 of these purty purty maple pen blanks. Milled them a little long- most are around 10 inches and 1.1 inches thick so you can repurpose the ends if you would like. This is some leftover spalted supercurl I had cut offs of. Not every piece is spalted but they all contain a huge amount of very tight curl. I put a coat of danish oil on the pics you see. All I ask is that you spot me shipping and post pics when you get one done. You don't have to want the blanks to post a story but if you want them then let me know in the post...:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup: Looking forward to hearing some good ones happy turnin, 
Bond


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## Alchymist (Jan 2, 2011)

Kinda like a few, how about splitting into 2 sets, since the recipient pays postage? :smile::yes:


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## Alchymist (Jan 2, 2011)

Oh, yeah, and let me tell you about the dog that strayed into the hanger on the Air Force base - I was changing a fuel control, and there was a pan of JP4 on the floor, and the poor dog ran in, drank the JP4, and suddenly took off. He made three laps around the hanger then back in through the door, and lay down beside the pan.


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## RusDemka (Jun 9, 2012)

I have one for you, i live in eagan minnesota which is a suburb outside of st paul, anyway, one day my wife and i get home from a date, we sit down to watch some tv. For some reason i decided to go out on our deck and get some air, i open the curtains,turn on the deck lights and see a box, with 3 chickens and they layed eggs and crapped all over lol, there is not a farm around. This was a year ago, i still dont know who out them there haha


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## bond3737 (Nov 13, 2009)

not a problem, I just realized that 20 blanks of the same wood is kind of much so instead let's do 10 blanks a piece and have 2 winners? Funny story about the dog! What is JP4? Im assuming jet fuel? 
Entry list: Alchymist


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## blaineo (Dec 29, 2012)

LOL...oh boy....I don't know if I'm gonna get smacked from you guys or your wives...LOL....

It was Thanksgiving, my "girlfriend" was 36 weeks pregnant and worn out. Thanksgiving is my family's holiday to host, so she was cleaning, cooking, and busting her butt. She had just finished cleaning the bathroom, when I came in, told her to sit down, cuz, well, she needed the break. She got a bit agitated cuz she was trying to get everything done before the rest of our family got there, and said, "WHY????" And I said, "Just sit down"....so, she sat down on the only seat in the bathroom....yup, that's right...you know which one I'm talking about....I asked her to marry me while she was sitting on the toilet..... True Story..


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## Alchymist (Jan 2, 2011)

bond3737 said:


> not a problem, I just realized that 20 blanks of the same wood is kind of much so instead let's do 10 blanks a piece and have 2 winners? Funny story about the dog! What is JP4? Im assuming jet fuel?
> Entry list: Alchymist


Yes, JP4 is jet fuel. And don't you want to know what happened to the dog?


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## robert421960 (Dec 9, 2010)

when i was a youngster my brothers had a small mini bike and i wasnt allowed to drive it cause i was to little and young
so one day i decide to ride it anyway so i was riding it and decided to turn and go down the hill thru the yard.
there was a pony tied in the yard so i was gonna just ride over the rope right? no the mini bike spooked the pony,rope raised up about neck height.well being how i was young and dumb i didnt hit the brake and the rope caught me on the neck and rubbed all the way till it got tight and i poped a wheelie on the bike and flipped over backwards
My neck was rope burned and my a$$ was to later that night


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## bond3737 (Nov 13, 2009)

rotfl....hahaha these are great!
Alchemy... yeah what did happen to the dog??? keep em commin fellas!
entry list:
alchemy
rus
blaneo
robert
Help me out if I accidentally miss someone along the way


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## Alchymist (Jan 2, 2011)

bond3737 said:


> rotfl....hahaha these are great!
> Alchemy... yeah what did happen to the dog??? keep em commin fellas!
> entry list:
> alchemy
> ...


Poor dog ran out of JP4!


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## clpead (Oct 10, 2012)

A buddy, myself and 2 girls were hanging out in the back of his pickup. Now, this truck was a gem, he was using a pair of Hanes that he had ripped the band off of as a gas cap (gotta love high school). So, I grab the band of the Hanes underware and said, "hey, you remember those old commercials when they said how strong Hanes elastic is??" I then tried to tear it by pulling on them with my hands,,,,nothing, so then I put them around my foot, pulled the other end, and SNAP!!!! Mind you, I'm sitting on the edge of the pickup bed and flipped over backwards out of the truck and into the ditch,,,,,on my head!! We all must have laughed for 20 minutes to the point of tears.


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## sprior (Aug 31, 2008)

Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the news today claiming that his simple Austrian upbringing is what made him now become a green activist. It's not clear where his Hummer has disappeared to...


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## sawdustfactory (Jan 30, 2011)

My first roommates and I liked to prank each orher. When one roommate was having his 21 st birthday party, we reversed all his cassette tape covers and shuffled all the tapes (over 300). He spent hours, very hung over, fixing everything. Did I mention that he was SUPER retentive about his tapes?


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## sawdustfactory (Jan 30, 2011)

As pay back for the tapes, that roomie recorded the "ring bell for service" bell that my other room mate could not stand but was required by his boss to have. He recorded that thing ringing for about 5 solid minutes. Then one night when roomie 2 was with a new girl (very hot, btw), at about 3am we ran all 4 speakers down the hall in front of roomie 2s door and played that sucker at full volume. Roomie 2 and date came flying out if that room convinced a train was de-railing and coming through our house. Never saw 2 naked people so pissed once they realized what was going on. Never did see her back at the house after that night ;-)


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## Kenbo (Sep 16, 2008)

When my oldest daughter was much younger, she came to me one day to inform me that her and one of her friends were going to have a sleepover at our house. The conversation went something like this.................
daughter "Dad?"
me "yes"
daughter "Katie is coming over this weekend for a sleepover"
me "okay"
daughter "and her and I want to do a makeover weekend with makeup and stuff"
me "cool"
daughter "yeah, but mom wont let me look 'facials' up on the internet. Why not?"
me "your mother sent you to me didn't she?" :laughing:

What do you say to that kind of a question? :laughing: Anyway, that's my funny story.


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## blaineo (Dec 29, 2012)

Kenbo said:


> When my oldest daughter was much younger, she came to me one day to inform me that her and one of her friends were going to have a sleepover at our house. The conversation went something like this.................
> daughter "Dad?"
> me "yes"
> daughter "Katie is coming over this weekend for a sleepover"
> ...


*smacks forehead*...umm......I got nothin'....lol


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## Dave Paine (May 30, 2012)

I like the thread, but not looking for blanks.

My contribution, they were humerous for me at the time.

Back in the late 80's a colleague and I were in Korea trying to sell some equipment to a company.

We had a Korean agent who had "contacts" with the company.

As the pressure mounted, the agent left our hotel room, and said "If the phone rings and it is a Korean - don't pick up". He left and we were rolling on the floor. This was back in the day of phones just have a dial or keypad, so no way to know who was calling without picking up.

Also back in late 80's I was skippering a friend's sail boat on the Chesapeake, had other friends on board. The boat did not have a fuel gauge, we used the old "put a piece of wood into the tank and see how much fuel we have" routine. We did the measurement and I thought we were full.

On the Sunday, it was time to get back to port and return home. The winds were blowing hard and directly into our desired direction. The part of the Chesapeake we had to go through was not very wide, so we had to tack a lot. This got to be tiring so I dropped sail and decided to motor. I knew how much running time we had on a full tank. Suddenly the motor cuts out. Crap. Check the tank. It was dry. We misread when we boarded.

The wind is still blowing hard. A motor boat comes up behind us. I shout out if they would give us a tow. The skipper is happy to help.
I call out to my friend on the bow "Throw a line to the motor boat".
He did - the entire line. We laughed. "You are supposed to keep hold of one end". If I see the film The Four Seasons, I think about this incident.


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## bond3737 (Nov 13, 2009)

lol these are great! Keep em commin! 
ok here are entries so far:
alchemy
rus
blaneo
robert
clpead
sprior
sawdust factory
kenbo
All of these have been awesome so far. I love hearing about the crazy stuff that happens in peoples lives... happy turnin all, 
Bond


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## PSDkevin (Dec 18, 2010)

When I was in the Army in Italy I worked at a small outpost that stored nuke missiles. Our WADS (weapons access delay system) was a system linked to each bunker designed to stop someone from removing a missile from the bunker. It had a panel in the control room that was really impressive with lights and a toggle switch to arm and fire the system. (NOT the missile) It had a short in it so that when you bumped the panel too hard it would go into a self-test. (Lights flashing and buzzers sounding) Anyway. We told the new guy it was the missile launcher and one day while he was mopping the control room he got close to the panel and another guy shoved him into it. Wonk, wonk, wonk it went into a self-test. We all scrambled into chemical protective suits (the new guy had not been issued one yet) and pretended like the "launcher" had been activated. For nearly an hour we had him convinced he started WWW 3 and he was going to be contaminated. Too funny.


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## Nate Bos (Jan 11, 2012)

do jokes count? This is one of my favourites:
My Grandad lived till he was 103. When asked what his secret for long life was he said that he put a teaspoon of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died he left behind 5 children, 42 grandchildren and 11 great-grandchildren... and a 6 foot hole in the cremation wall at the cemetary!:laughing:


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## Rockerbox1 (Jan 21, 2011)

When I was a young baby (less than a year) my dad joined the Air Force. When he left to go to boot camp, he looked like he always had looked to my older brother and I, hair just below his shoulders, and a thick full beard. After bootcamp was over, My mom, brother and I went to see my dad, first time in several weeks.

Ok, you have to form a visual image of this. My mom was sitting on a bench holding me on her lap, and my older brother (about 2.5 to 3 years old) sitting beside her. As she saw my Dad approaching us, she points at him and says, "Look Boys, there's Daddy" 
shocked by the man coming at us with short hair and no thick, bushy beard, my brother bursts into tears crying, "I want my other daddy!"


Obviously, I don't remember that story happening first hand, but I remember hearing that story many times growing up.

Oh, and I don't have a lathe, so Please don't include me in the giveaway


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## blaineo (Dec 29, 2012)

just Josh said:


> When I was a young baby (less than a year) my dad joined the Air Force. When he left to go to boot camp, he looked like he always had looked to my older brother and I, hair just below his shoulders, and a thick full beard. After bootcamp was over, My mom, brother and I went to see my dad, first time in several weeks.
> 
> Ok, you have to form a visual image of this. My mom was sitting on a bench holding me on her lap, and my older brother (about 2.5 to 3 years old) sitting beside her. As she saw my Dad approaching us, she points at him and says, "Look Boys, there's Daddy"
> shocked by the man coming at us with short hair and no thick, bushy beard, my brother bursts into tears crying, "I want my other daddy!"
> ...


LOL Oh do I know that feeling. I'm usually the kind of guy that has a goatee MOST of the time...some kind of beard a lil bit of the time, and a clean shaven face, like .00001% the rest of the time. LOL First time I shaved it off, I'd been with my wife, older stepkids, and toddler son (he was not even one I think) for about 3 years I think? I needed to be fit-tested for a respirater where I worked, and needed to be clean shaven, and my wife and the kids were away at her mothers for almost a week, and I didn't tell her I was shaving it. Ohhhhh dear lord, I think the world ended. My stepson just stared at me blankly, probably thinkin', umm something's not quite right. My stepdaughter wouldn't look at me, would RUN out of the room if she heard me comming up the stairs or in the back door, and couldn't eat supper at the table with us. And my wife....she bawled...and bawled...and bawled........*sighs*....


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## blaineo (Dec 29, 2012)

oh, BOND! I didn't think I missed it, but, you have a cutoff date in mind for stories?? LOL Was just curious.. Not that I'm wanting to cut off anyones stories...cuz, these are great...lol....


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## solidfab (Feb 5, 2013)

This is a true one from a couple months ago.

It was my birthday and being the diehard river fisherman i am i loaded up and took off to one of my favorite spots. When i arrived everything was perfect and i thought to myself, boy this is gonna be a good day! Wrong. I fished really hard and lost a couple very nice fish when all of a sudden my reel fell apart and machine screws were flying everywhere (brand new reel i bought myself as a bday gift). I always carry a second setup so i walked back to the car and grabbed my backup and headed back out. I was kinda fumbling around as i reached my spot and next thing ya know im in the water thrashing around like a tuna completely soaked from head to toe. I gathered myself and my thoughts and decided maybe fishing wasnt for me that day. I got back to the car and kinda chuckled about how wrong everything went and how cold i was. 20 degrees out that day.


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## bond3737 (Nov 13, 2009)

lolol kevin.... that was MEAN! but hilarious I'm all for a little hazing but convincing some kid he started WW3!!! hahahahaha oh man.... all of these are awesome... blaneo was thinking friday would be a good cut off day... they probably wont get mailed till the following Wednesday though because Im going skiing with the fam. SO let's leave it open till next wednesday... Not trying to drag it out too long but these stories are all great... keep em commin!:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:


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## Dave Paine (May 30, 2012)

The bad fishing day reminded me of a good golf story. I did not observe this one, but my colleagues at the time did.

A local golf course at the time was called Twin Lakes since it had two large ponds.

One of the ponds was at the 19th hole - the bar.

Windows at the bar overlooked the pond.

My colleagues were having a drink and saw a man, who obviously had a rather bad round of golf. He aggressively put his putter in the golf bag, picked up the golf bag and threw it into the pond.

My colleagues found this hilarious. They were betting when the man would come back to pick up the wet bag and clubs.

A short time later, the man returns, wades into the pond, pulls out the bag, takes it to the side of the pond, starts searching in the bag, pulls out a set of car keys, then promptly throws the bag back in the pond. 

Now that was a really ticked off golfer. :laughing:


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## duncsuss (Aug 21, 2009)

There are two schools of thought when it comes to putting on scuba tanks and buoyancy compensators ("BCDs"). Some prefer to put them on then stride off the boat, others prefer to throw them into the water and jump in, then put the whole caboodle on while floating at the surface.

Either way works fine in still water, the second one not so much if there's a strong current.

And irrespective one's personal preference, the #1 rule is "do what the captain and divemaster say".

So there's one loudmouth who argues with the divemaster, insisting that it's better to put on the BCD and tank when you're in the water. At the time to get off the boat, he thinks he'll be smart and throws his off the back of the boat before he's instructed to put it on and make his way to the platform.

The only catch is that he'd forgotten to inflate the BCD first, and without air in it that puppy ain't gonna float ...

The divemaster refused to go to the bottom and retrieve it for him until after the dive, so he got to spend 45 minutes watching other people's bubbles break the surface.


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## Tommie Hockett (Aug 26, 2012)

I don't want any blanks, as I don't have a lathe at the moment. When I was a little kid we used to make a trip up too Kansas once a year to see my grandparents. My grandpa raises newbian milk goats. My cousin and I were up there milking them. We were only 6 or 7 and neither of us had ever milked a goat. It was my turn to try and every way I tried no milk was coming out. About that time grandpa walked in to see how we were doing and I finally got some milk to come out but not in the bucket... It sprayed grandpa right in the eye. Me and Jason still get a good laugh out of this.


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## RusDemka (Jun 9, 2012)

Tommie Hockett said:


> I don't want any blanks, as I don't have a lathe at the moment. When I was a little kid we used to make a trip up too Kansas once a year to see my grandparents. My grandpa raises newbian milk goats. My cousin and I were up there milking them. We were only 6 or 7 and neither of us had ever milked a goat. It was my turn to try and every way I tried no milk was coming out. About that time grandpa walked in to see how we were doing and I finally got some milk to come out but not in the bucket... It sprayed grandpa right in the eye. Me and Jason still get a good laugh out of this.


It's always the eye lol


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## robert421960 (Dec 9, 2010)

can i have another?
i was running away from my mean brother and forgot about the electric fence.it caught me about waist high so i fell flat on my face on top of the wire
i couldnt get off of it cause it was shocking the crap out of me i really dont remember how i got off of it but i know it sucked laying there
:yes::yes::yes:


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## Dominick (May 2, 2011)

robert421960 said:


> can i have another?
> i was running away from my mean brother and forgot about the electric fence.it caught me about waist high so i fell flat on my face on top of the wire
> i couldnt get off of it cause it was shocking the crap out of me i really dont remember how i got off of it but i know it sucked laying there
> :yes::yes::yes:


I to have no lathe but thought I can relate to Roberts. 
I also had a mean brother. When I was about 10 years old he was chasing me and spitting on me. 
I was running backwards for some time trying to avoid him when I turned around to see where I was going I ran right into a fire hydrant and cracked my ribs. Ill never forget that day.


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## Dave Paine (May 30, 2012)

Dominick said:


> I also had a mean brother. When I was about 10 years old he was chasing me and spitting on me.
> I was running backwards for some time trying to avoid him when I turned around to see where I was going I ran right into a fire hydrant and cracked my ribs. Ill never forget that day.


Ouch, I bet that hurt. I feel the pain just reading the post. No pun intended. :blink:


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## Hwood (Oct 21, 2011)

Funny stories eh, well since pranks came into it I think I can chime in. And letting someone think they started ww3 is just nasty, I loved it! Before the days of caller id I had a lot of fun calling people, people I knew that is not harassing strangers. I would change my voice and get the best of them, and ow dear lord did I love getting the machine. Got a buddy who got a lathe today so I will bring him into this since I fore see him joining this site. Called him one day and told I knew his profession and I sold long underwear. Went on and on how great the product was and so on. I was offering to give him chance to see how good this clothing was first hand….. I would come over in the winter, winter being cold in my parts, and I would go out in his yard and stand where he could see me for a half hour and them he could take my body temperature. Then I would do it again but naked, in his front yard, and after he could take my temp again. He then says (thinking I was really a salesman) “Only if I can shove that thermometer up your a**” and hangs up.
blanks look great but i will pass on them.


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## Dave Paine (May 30, 2012)

This is too good not to share.

WARNING, if you are drinking, swallow before reading. :laughing:

This is a post in a thread in the General Woodworking forum

http://www.woodworkingtalk.com/f2/sink-shop-48137/

"Just a gallon milk jug and a trashcan. Would really like a sink, even if it just drained through the floor. Bathroom would be even better. I hate trudging back and forth to the shop, and my wife refuses to let me pee in the yard. Once I'd just come back to the shop through a downpour and yup, have to go again. I decided she'd never know if I went in a jar; which I promptly knocked over into my favorite hat.. Must be some kind of weird wife voodoo. I've never done it since.:no:"


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## jharris2 (Jul 9, 2012)

LMAO!

Thanks


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## Itchytoe (Dec 17, 2011)

So, it was my niece's 5th birthday last week and we celebrated it over the weekend. My mom was in charge of baking the cake. Two layers with chocolate frosting. Pretty simple right? Well not quite so simple. She got everything mixed up and into the oven. We wait, and the timer goes off, but something doesn't look right. The cakes never rose. Yes, I know they're supposed to rise. They're cakes, they rise when you cook them. Hmmm. She went ahead and frosted them anyway and I had a bite. Something tasted funny, but I just couldn't figure out what it was. While trying to figure out what happened, I looked at the box and noticed, in small print "Best if used before August 2004" printed on the box top. Just in case you were wondering, yes, cake mix does go bad after almost a decade.


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## RusDemka (Jun 9, 2012)

Whos the winner?


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## bond3737 (Nov 13, 2009)

okdok Fantastic stories all!.... so here's the list Ive got for entries. If I have forgotten someone or if you don't want your name on the list Ill wait till tonight to make the final drawing:
alchymist
Rus Demka
Blaineo
Robert
Clpead
Sprior
Sawdust Factory
Kenbo
PSDkevin
NateBos
Gman2431
Duncsuss
Itchytoe

Drawing will take place tonight at 6  happy turnin all,
Bond


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## bond3737 (Nov 13, 2009)

OKDOK! annnnnd the winnners are- Alchemist and PSDkevin thanks to all that contributed.... I enjoyed reading every single one of these posts.... You all had some awesome stories! My good friend Vee has chosen the winners, the blanks will be shipped tomorrow:yes: happy turnin all, 
Bond
If you've won, pm me with your address and I'll get em shipped tomorrow


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## master or nothing (May 20, 2013)

So, who is Vee? She's a cutie! Sorry, I had to...


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## Bob Willing (Jul 4, 2008)

I guess I am a little late but here goes anyway been gone all day.

Years ago I worked for RCA and I left to work for a smaller company. So after I have been at this company for about 6 months I get this call and the guy at the other end says I am Frank we met, I use to work at RCA but now I sell electronic parts on my own and I represent different companies. So I am now thinking who is this Frank and where did we meet? He said can I stop by next week so I can let you know what I have to offer? So next week comes and the receptionist calls me and I go to the lobby. This guy is standing there and introduces himself as Frank and he says we talked last week. So I am thinking where did I meet this guy? He hands me his calling card and on the card it says “Frank Wemet!”

This is a story which I call the “running mouse!” I belonged to the local section of ASQC and we held our meeting at this old, old hotel and they had a restaurant. Once a month we would give talks related to Quality so three of use gave talks on the same related subject. When it came time for my presentation every thing was going along great and about half way through people started to laugh at inappropriate times, so I thought I better cut my talk short because I must be bombing. When I sat down at my seat a young lady leans over and tells me “Bob we weren’t laughing at you there was a mouse running back and forth on the brick mantel behind you while you were speaking.”


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## dartman (Oct 12, 2012)

Well let me tell ya about this morning.I went to toss a bag of trash in our dumpster and a huge
cat come out at me.The thing clawed my arms trying to get away.Scared the crap out of me.
Had to go inside and change my dang shorts.


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